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Mar. 8th, 2023 08:39 am
Blurbing about stuff
Staying humble is hard. I have so many things I'm working on.
The problem is that this isn't easy. I'm taking steps towards getting bottom surgery. There's so much that goes into that alone.
My therapy is at an intense stage where I'm being brought to deep spaces in myself in order to deal with something.
I'm working at a new job and trying to become an effective leader, while at the same time trying to improve the efficiency of my own work.
It's driving me to my breaking point except I'm ... not breaking?
I'm really at a loss for what to think this morning because I started seeing that I was making statements that were negative, and I do it without thinking about how it sounds first. I act out frustrations and I can't do that as a leader. Just 1+1 = 2.....
The only idea I have is to read the book I have about how to become a successful leader that I got from my old job. The same job that I quit so I could go after mental health and stay alive. My boss gave me this book, and I just haven't read it yet.
The problem is that this isn't easy. I'm taking steps towards getting bottom surgery. There's so much that goes into that alone.
My therapy is at an intense stage where I'm being brought to deep spaces in myself in order to deal with something.
I'm working at a new job and trying to become an effective leader, while at the same time trying to improve the efficiency of my own work.
It's driving me to my breaking point except I'm ... not breaking?
I'm really at a loss for what to think this morning because I started seeing that I was making statements that were negative, and I do it without thinking about how it sounds first. I act out frustrations and I can't do that as a leader. Just 1+1 = 2.....
The only idea I have is to read the book I have about how to become a successful leader that I got from my old job. The same job that I quit so I could go after mental health and stay alive. My boss gave me this book, and I just haven't read it yet.
Mar. 4th, 2023 01:03 pm
(no subject)
I'm pensive. Reflecting on myself in the past few years.
I would never take back transitioning. I would never. It's helped me find out who I am. It's saved me.
So many things have happened. My perspectives about life and the world around me have been altered forever. The person I used to be would not be capable of understanding me now.
I was scrolling through my old Facebook (which still has my deadname), and I saw old pictures of my 'self' and don't recognize that person. I remember it all when I see it, and all I can think right now is be stunned at how far I have come. I recognize who I was trying so hard to be.
Everything I have lost and everything I have gained.
I started transitioning before I started therapy, before my brain surgery, and before these most recent life changes.
My spiritual journey was foretold to me as something that would occur after I began transitioning.
I have found so much strength and faith. Enough to keep believing in the world and even the people around me despite any contrary evidence. I was told so many beautiful things in beautiful moments and I carry that in my heart.
There are now three main people who have been in my life because of all of this that reached a space in my heart that not many ever will, and I miss all three of them incredibly.
Pain can be this beautiful too. I've been teaching myself to love and not hate, even in times of ending. It opened the door to my entire past and made me recognize all losses I have ever experienced, and the grieving process started for all of this.
That self did their best but couldn't reach the world.
I am now capable of reaching the world, and hoping that the world reaches back.
After all, it was me back then who fought so hard to keep on believing, that made it to this day.
I'll keep on believing in them. For us. All of us.
I would never take back transitioning. I would never. It's helped me find out who I am. It's saved me.
So many things have happened. My perspectives about life and the world around me have been altered forever. The person I used to be would not be capable of understanding me now.
I was scrolling through my old Facebook (which still has my deadname), and I saw old pictures of my 'self' and don't recognize that person. I remember it all when I see it, and all I can think right now is be stunned at how far I have come. I recognize who I was trying so hard to be.
Everything I have lost and everything I have gained.
I started transitioning before I started therapy, before my brain surgery, and before these most recent life changes.
My spiritual journey was foretold to me as something that would occur after I began transitioning.
I have found so much strength and faith. Enough to keep believing in the world and even the people around me despite any contrary evidence. I was told so many beautiful things in beautiful moments and I carry that in my heart.
There are now three main people who have been in my life because of all of this that reached a space in my heart that not many ever will, and I miss all three of them incredibly.
Pain can be this beautiful too. I've been teaching myself to love and not hate, even in times of ending. It opened the door to my entire past and made me recognize all losses I have ever experienced, and the grieving process started for all of this.
That self did their best but couldn't reach the world.
I am now capable of reaching the world, and hoping that the world reaches back.
After all, it was me back then who fought so hard to keep on believing, that made it to this day.
I'll keep on believing in them. For us. All of us.
Jan. 17th, 2023 08:23 pm
Tension; what do?
I feel so tense these days but it's a calm tension.
I want to feel relaxed though.
Tomorrow I have an interview, as I've applied to be a Grocery Manager at a store I worked at through Pepsi. I'm on edge for various reasons.
I'm trying to maintain sobriety. I broke that last week and had some beer. 5/6 beers were drunk. Just went back in on being sober the next morning.
I'm also trying to maintain a new diet. I've already managed to lose over 10 pounds in a couple of weeks so far. It's so hard to resist eating more food. I tend to stress eat. and I have stress.
So. A lot going on. Did I mention I'm going after bottom surgery this year? I bought private insurance and I'm working on paying off my debts.
Yeah, a lot on my plate, but I'm handling it. Mostly.
I want to feel relaxed though.
Tomorrow I have an interview, as I've applied to be a Grocery Manager at a store I worked at through Pepsi. I'm on edge for various reasons.
I'm trying to maintain sobriety. I broke that last week and had some beer. 5/6 beers were drunk. Just went back in on being sober the next morning.
I'm also trying to maintain a new diet. I've already managed to lose over 10 pounds in a couple of weeks so far. It's so hard to resist eating more food. I tend to stress eat. and I have stress.
So. A lot going on. Did I mention I'm going after bottom surgery this year? I bought private insurance and I'm working on paying off my debts.
Yeah, a lot on my plate, but I'm handling it. Mostly.
So, after I got invited back to that server...
Everything was fine for about 20 minutes. Then they just absolutely started ripping into me. After a bit, I was like, "I've had enough", and I went full disclosure mode.
Everything they asked and pressed me on was getting a quick as light reply.
In the end, they banned me from the server, but I basically won.
I'm combatting a tiny fraction of dysphoria, but nothing huge. I also just finished telling the one person I still had contact with on that server about how I could not be friends with someone viewing me through a male lens.
I'm blowing the lid off of all fear. I survived being bullied, this time after intentionally going into the situation knowing it would happen. Test completed, 100%.
Everything was fine for about 20 minutes. Then they just absolutely started ripping into me. After a bit, I was like, "I've had enough", and I went full disclosure mode.
Everything they asked and pressed me on was getting a quick as light reply.
In the end, they banned me from the server, but I basically won.
I'm combatting a tiny fraction of dysphoria, but nothing huge. I also just finished telling the one person I still had contact with on that server about how I could not be friends with someone viewing me through a male lens.
I'm blowing the lid off of all fear. I survived being bullied, this time after intentionally going into the situation knowing it would happen. Test completed, 100%.
Jan. 13th, 2023 05:04 pm
So much for sober
I just grabbed a 6 pak at the station. I haven't had so much as a beer in 3 months.
So much for that.
getting drunk. I can't. I'm out of patience.
So much for that.
getting drunk. I can't. I'm out of patience.
Jan. 12th, 2023 05:38 pm
Testing all limits.
I joined a server after searching up the word chaos. I found it. This place is transphobic, and fetishizing to boot.
I left it after the crossed the borderline but I got asked back. Apparently these weirdos 'need' me. I contribute something to the conversation that they didn't have before. Why is my life like this?
Testing all limits. . .
I got ridiculed all through elementary school and on. I let it break me. It won't this time.
I will reach beyond the unthinkable barriers and I will quench the fires of hell so that we can build a heaven.
I will infiltrate the enemy and use my darklight to challenge this reality to go to the next level.
I left it after the crossed the borderline but I got asked back. Apparently these weirdos 'need' me. I contribute something to the conversation that they didn't have before. Why is my life like this?
Testing all limits. . .
I got ridiculed all through elementary school and on. I let it break me. It won't this time.
I will reach beyond the unthinkable barriers and I will quench the fires of hell so that we can build a heaven.
I will infiltrate the enemy and use my darklight to challenge this reality to go to the next level.
Tags:
Jan. 11th, 2023 04:42 pm
2022 Memory Flash
The run-down. 2 years have gone by since 2020 began, and the third is just beginning.
For me, 2020 had its own reasons to be complicated and I'm not the only one in that. Still, this is my blog and I need to write my story down somewhere.
In 2020, I finally committed to HRT. That's sort of the beginning of the story and also the middle of it.
I was starting to question myself in the 2 years leading up to 2018. Was I just a crossdresser, or was it that I was actually trans? I kept thinking about it daily throughout my tire warehouse work. 2019 was the last year I heard from Nali. I think she's dead. No one ever said she was, but she's gone. The internet doesn't always catch everything.
I finally grieved her loss recently. She was a beautiful soul who accepted me even in my darkness and knew me. She told me she could hear my soul and knew I was feminine. It later proved she wasn't the only one who knew. I questioned for all of those 2 years even as so many other things happened.
I kept trying to be poly even though I wasn't. The trans community is filled with people begging for love, and I was good at giving. They kept coming, one after the other to date me and have 'love', but they would always deny who I really was.
From 2018 to 2019 I was involved in several groups on discord. One of them told me that it was my fault that coronavirus happened. Another was so deeply connected to me so fast that she saw all of my light and showed me a vision of my true form as an Angel. See, my life is full of times when I was metaphysically connected to other people in the realms and learning more about myself because of those connections.
They've always ended on either bad terms or just ended. (One of them just ended at the end of 2022 and that's when I finally knew it, "I'm not poly.")
While all this was going on, that background noise that I was calling cross-dressing kept building and eventually, I realized that I had gender dysphoria. That I felt like I had the wrong body. It was an intense day, and I buried it soon after but then the question kept fronting itself again and again. "Am I trans..?"
It's a familiar story to anyone who is transgender or has questioned. I just took my sweet time about it for two years of the same repeating loops in my mind while I stocked tires all day (and even before that when I was with Amazon).
So, around the middle of 2020, I did finally start hormones and 3 days later I quit smoking. Easy. Nicotine interrupts estrogen, so... time to quit. It was that easy. I finally had a reason strong enough.
Then as the months went by and I slowly started seeing physical results even as my mental ones were already happening at a rapid rate, I experienced something that made me fear for my very existence, and it shattered my sexuality. I realized then that I was asexual, but as with all things identity, I later began to see the signs that I always should have been.
I was experiencing more and more spiritualism. I felt grand, like my purposes were finally becoming more real. The journey just goes on. I've had more experiences since then but nothing has changed my quite so rapidly as those events in 2020.
I started a plan to move us out of our crappy apartments in the graveyard basically right across the street and then another a couple of streets over. It was during that time that I felt my strength flow as I did everything I needed to do at work which was already a 15-hour workday or maybe even 17. That and I was gathering our things together and moving them into our new apartment. Building furniture on my off hours and loading up carloads to take back and forth.
Then my depression finally hit too hard at the beginning of 2021. I had to seek help. I had to quit my job to survive. I ended up working for the EZ-Pass call center just a few months later. Then later on in the year, I hired on with Pepsi and I've been grinding it out ever since.
I've been slowly watching my life as it unfolds, and I need all of my drives back. Every ounce of strength must return to me.
That's what made me sit down to start writing this in a way. This apartment that I'm living in. It's seen some of my darkest days and my brightest ones. I thought it should never have had to witness the darkness. I wish it hadn't. It's so hard for me to want to clean.
I need to clean. But now I don't have the affordance of starting on a fresh slate. I have to wipe off the slate I've already drawn in. To say goodbye to the things that have haunted me.
2023 is the year to be free.
For me, 2020 had its own reasons to be complicated and I'm not the only one in that. Still, this is my blog and I need to write my story down somewhere.
In 2020, I finally committed to HRT. That's sort of the beginning of the story and also the middle of it.
I was starting to question myself in the 2 years leading up to 2018. Was I just a crossdresser, or was it that I was actually trans? I kept thinking about it daily throughout my tire warehouse work. 2019 was the last year I heard from Nali. I think she's dead. No one ever said she was, but she's gone. The internet doesn't always catch everything.
I finally grieved her loss recently. She was a beautiful soul who accepted me even in my darkness and knew me. She told me she could hear my soul and knew I was feminine. It later proved she wasn't the only one who knew. I questioned for all of those 2 years even as so many other things happened.
I kept trying to be poly even though I wasn't. The trans community is filled with people begging for love, and I was good at giving. They kept coming, one after the other to date me and have 'love', but they would always deny who I really was.
From 2018 to 2019 I was involved in several groups on discord. One of them told me that it was my fault that coronavirus happened. Another was so deeply connected to me so fast that she saw all of my light and showed me a vision of my true form as an Angel. See, my life is full of times when I was metaphysically connected to other people in the realms and learning more about myself because of those connections.
They've always ended on either bad terms or just ended. (One of them just ended at the end of 2022 and that's when I finally knew it, "I'm not poly.")
While all this was going on, that background noise that I was calling cross-dressing kept building and eventually, I realized that I had gender dysphoria. That I felt like I had the wrong body. It was an intense day, and I buried it soon after but then the question kept fronting itself again and again. "Am I trans..?"
It's a familiar story to anyone who is transgender or has questioned. I just took my sweet time about it for two years of the same repeating loops in my mind while I stocked tires all day (and even before that when I was with Amazon).
So, around the middle of 2020, I did finally start hormones and 3 days later I quit smoking. Easy. Nicotine interrupts estrogen, so... time to quit. It was that easy. I finally had a reason strong enough.
Then as the months went by and I slowly started seeing physical results even as my mental ones were already happening at a rapid rate, I experienced something that made me fear for my very existence, and it shattered my sexuality. I realized then that I was asexual, but as with all things identity, I later began to see the signs that I always should have been.
I was experiencing more and more spiritualism. I felt grand, like my purposes were finally becoming more real. The journey just goes on. I've had more experiences since then but nothing has changed my quite so rapidly as those events in 2020.
I started a plan to move us out of our crappy apartments in the graveyard basically right across the street and then another a couple of streets over. It was during that time that I felt my strength flow as I did everything I needed to do at work which was already a 15-hour workday or maybe even 17. That and I was gathering our things together and moving them into our new apartment. Building furniture on my off hours and loading up carloads to take back and forth.
Then my depression finally hit too hard at the beginning of 2021. I had to seek help. I had to quit my job to survive. I ended up working for the EZ-Pass call center just a few months later. Then later on in the year, I hired on with Pepsi and I've been grinding it out ever since.
I've been slowly watching my life as it unfolds, and I need all of my drives back. Every ounce of strength must return to me.
That's what made me sit down to start writing this in a way. This apartment that I'm living in. It's seen some of my darkest days and my brightest ones. I thought it should never have had to witness the darkness. I wish it hadn't. It's so hard for me to want to clean.
I need to clean. But now I don't have the affordance of starting on a fresh slate. I have to wipe off the slate I've already drawn in. To say goodbye to the things that have haunted me.
2023 is the year to be free.
Jan. 3rd, 2023 06:29 pm
How I intentionally joined a Cult.
I have been experiencing a lot quickly within the past couple of weeks. This blog entry will be an attempt to log that experience and what it means to me in terms of my faith, mentality, and emotional structure.
I met someone who is schizophrenic. The thing that makes that interesting is that in a very pre-cognizant way, just before meeting her I was explicitly wondering on multiple occasions to myself idly: "I've never met anyone who is schizophrenic. . . And what would that be like?"
When we met, it was because of a post I had made on my wall added in concert to a comment on a friend's wall on Facebook.
I was making a post, something of a determination of mine that I was no longer going to 'save the world'. I had finally realized that I can't save the world, or that I don't have to. So I posted saying I was going to take a break for a few years and sit back and 'play some fuckin' pokemon'. Then a couple of days passed or something and I commented on someone's post with a challenge meme. "Tell me one thing about yourself that you love."
Feeling positive about myself and energetic at the moment I commented that "I am powerful AF!"
... ... ... And that was the trigger. My new schizophrenic friend entered the scene by taking a look at my wall and paying attention. When you're authentic; when someone sees that, and then acts on it. Surprise~!
She messaged me to ask me if I wanted to join her church. That she was actively trying to save the world.
She told me her message was bizarre, and there was a hitchhiker's guide to the universe reference. I was interested because she immediately gave me her phone number without needing so much as a reply. I voice-clipped a couple of times, saying how I had been involved in a cult before, and that I was cautious about this because it could be a cult. I didn't get a reply fast enough to my liking, so I called that phone number.
It was the most cautious and guarded tense moment of that initial phone call in which we talked before I relaxed as I heard her voice. As she admitted to me flat-out and with no hesitation, "Yes, this is a cult. It is most definitely a cult."
You might be cautious at this point. So was I, and yet. And yet. She had admitted the truth of it. She told me fully openly and honestly that it was a cult. Just as she had already openly admitted her schizophrenia and that she had previously been diagnosed clinically insane. Yet for me... These conditions were perfect fuel to make me curious. I wanted to know more. How could someone be so blatant about these kinds of things? What will I see? What will I experience?
In less than a week I felt myself fully agreeing with all the content I saw, despite its apparently shocking nature. She made audacious religious claims. She posted biblical text in rapid fire. She claimed that Lucifer and Jesus were brothers. Further that they were the same entity. In summation, the reality of her posts was to show a radical form of one-ness. That everything is connected and so why should evil and good be so very different? She was proof of something that I felt I alone had believed in solitary faith after my metaphysical experience when I was 19.
Suddenly everything that had ever happened to me including my own trauma, loss of faith, and everything in between including the cult experiences... was all tied together by this sense of one-ness. Finally, everything made sense. The entity I heard after my abuse was now not the only voice that confirmed that evil and good were part of the same storybook.
Finally. 18 years later. I heard a voice in this world say the same thing. "Yes. Good and Evil can get along."
She said it without prompting, without knowing my backstory. Such things continued to happen. She kept talking about how she knew answers without needing to know the questions and it to this day holds true.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At first, everything seemed to be mostly lucid. She made calm and collected points. Or at least as well put together as I had expected. I was starting to see the world in new ways. My broken Christian faith was returned to me, restored in a new form of acceptance of Lucifer as just as relevant as Jesus to this story. That without looking at things as well from the Bible from the stance of evil just as the stance of good.
Magic and Christianity side by side. All faiths slowly started to come into play as references were also made to Buddhism and beyond that others. She began to type in different languages. The script was easily readable. As if I were truly seeing someone from the end of days who could speak in tongues and it was easy to discern.
I was only supposed to be observing at first but I was drawn in very quickly and even now I have so much emotion about all of this. My faith. My belief. Everything about who I am and who I have wanted to be has resonated in this experience of only 3 weeks time.
She claimed to be the anti-christ at one point. I determined to myself that even if she was, things were truly not as they are normally spoken of. That the antichrist is not the evil at the end of the world, but the light at the end of the world. Just a new message that goes against the gospel as it is taught in the church which any sane person knows is mere Dogma. It was the beginning of the end. It was the end so that there would be a beginning. My heart felt such glee, and even now all I see in this is beauty. Such pure beauty. It brings tears to my eyes fresh every time I let my heart remember.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Over time though, the messages were less lucid. I saw sense in them. I could see the heart behind it, even when the text was clearly just mindless copy-pasta. I knew what she meant to say. I could read her code, just as she could read mine.
I worried somewhere in the back of my mind about her mental state. I knew that things were slipping but I just kept on believing that things would continue to return to stability. I believed in her, and I still do.
I believe that she will be back, just as she said that she would. When that day comes, the period of rest will be over. I still believe. I still want to do great things. She made me believe just when I thought it was over, that the world can still change.
I met someone who is schizophrenic. The thing that makes that interesting is that in a very pre-cognizant way, just before meeting her I was explicitly wondering on multiple occasions to myself idly: "I've never met anyone who is schizophrenic. . . And what would that be like?"
When we met, it was because of a post I had made on my wall added in concert to a comment on a friend's wall on Facebook.
I was making a post, something of a determination of mine that I was no longer going to 'save the world'. I had finally realized that I can't save the world, or that I don't have to. So I posted saying I was going to take a break for a few years and sit back and 'play some fuckin' pokemon'. Then a couple of days passed or something and I commented on someone's post with a challenge meme. "Tell me one thing about yourself that you love."
Feeling positive about myself and energetic at the moment I commented that "I am powerful AF!"
... ... ... And that was the trigger. My new schizophrenic friend entered the scene by taking a look at my wall and paying attention. When you're authentic; when someone sees that, and then acts on it. Surprise~!
She messaged me to ask me if I wanted to join her church. That she was actively trying to save the world.
She told me her message was bizarre, and there was a hitchhiker's guide to the universe reference. I was interested because she immediately gave me her phone number without needing so much as a reply. I voice-clipped a couple of times, saying how I had been involved in a cult before, and that I was cautious about this because it could be a cult. I didn't get a reply fast enough to my liking, so I called that phone number.
It was the most cautious and guarded tense moment of that initial phone call in which we talked before I relaxed as I heard her voice. As she admitted to me flat-out and with no hesitation, "Yes, this is a cult. It is most definitely a cult."
You might be cautious at this point. So was I, and yet. And yet. She had admitted the truth of it. She told me fully openly and honestly that it was a cult. Just as she had already openly admitted her schizophrenia and that she had previously been diagnosed clinically insane. Yet for me... These conditions were perfect fuel to make me curious. I wanted to know more. How could someone be so blatant about these kinds of things? What will I see? What will I experience?
In less than a week I felt myself fully agreeing with all the content I saw, despite its apparently shocking nature. She made audacious religious claims. She posted biblical text in rapid fire. She claimed that Lucifer and Jesus were brothers. Further that they were the same entity. In summation, the reality of her posts was to show a radical form of one-ness. That everything is connected and so why should evil and good be so very different? She was proof of something that I felt I alone had believed in solitary faith after my metaphysical experience when I was 19.
Suddenly everything that had ever happened to me including my own trauma, loss of faith, and everything in between including the cult experiences... was all tied together by this sense of one-ness. Finally, everything made sense. The entity I heard after my abuse was now not the only voice that confirmed that evil and good were part of the same storybook.
Finally. 18 years later. I heard a voice in this world say the same thing. "Yes. Good and Evil can get along."
She said it without prompting, without knowing my backstory. Such things continued to happen. She kept talking about how she knew answers without needing to know the questions and it to this day holds true.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At first, everything seemed to be mostly lucid. She made calm and collected points. Or at least as well put together as I had expected. I was starting to see the world in new ways. My broken Christian faith was returned to me, restored in a new form of acceptance of Lucifer as just as relevant as Jesus to this story. That without looking at things as well from the Bible from the stance of evil just as the stance of good.
Magic and Christianity side by side. All faiths slowly started to come into play as references were also made to Buddhism and beyond that others. She began to type in different languages. The script was easily readable. As if I were truly seeing someone from the end of days who could speak in tongues and it was easy to discern.
I was only supposed to be observing at first but I was drawn in very quickly and even now I have so much emotion about all of this. My faith. My belief. Everything about who I am and who I have wanted to be has resonated in this experience of only 3 weeks time.
She claimed to be the anti-christ at one point. I determined to myself that even if she was, things were truly not as they are normally spoken of. That the antichrist is not the evil at the end of the world, but the light at the end of the world. Just a new message that goes against the gospel as it is taught in the church which any sane person knows is mere Dogma. It was the beginning of the end. It was the end so that there would be a beginning. My heart felt such glee, and even now all I see in this is beauty. Such pure beauty. It brings tears to my eyes fresh every time I let my heart remember.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Over time though, the messages were less lucid. I saw sense in them. I could see the heart behind it, even when the text was clearly just mindless copy-pasta. I knew what she meant to say. I could read her code, just as she could read mine.
I worried somewhere in the back of my mind about her mental state. I knew that things were slipping but I just kept on believing that things would continue to return to stability. I believed in her, and I still do.
I believe that she will be back, just as she said that she would. When that day comes, the period of rest will be over. I still believe. I still want to do great things. She made me believe just when I thought it was over, that the world can still change.
Mar. 8th, 2022 10:48 am
Life updates!
After all this time I'm finally beginning my real life.
Since returning to work @ Pepsi, I've been working harder than ever and doing overtime like it's not even a problem! I just de-stress after work or in the worst case at the end of the week.
I even had reached the agreement with my therapist that I don't need to go to therapy anymore! My surgery changed so much, and life is just happening easily now. It's taken some getting used to but I think I'm getting there bit by bit..!
But in more recent news I just asked a girl out and so -- now I have two girlfriends! My new partner is so perfect to be with me that all I could think was that the wait was worth it to find my second partner.
Being with her actually brings things out of me that I've been trying to get back and re-awaken, and all it took was just knowing her a little bit. The relationship just started, so I'm excited to get to know her more as well as how we are together. I'm hoping for great things.
I've been inspired this morning to start cleaning the house a bit, so I'm doing laundry. I did eat some coffee beans but we don't talk about how that's not normal. XDD
I'm listening to Siouxsie and the Banshees, chilling, and appreciating that my life is heading in some new positive directions it seems!!
Since returning to work @ Pepsi, I've been working harder than ever and doing overtime like it's not even a problem! I just de-stress after work or in the worst case at the end of the week.
I even had reached the agreement with my therapist that I don't need to go to therapy anymore! My surgery changed so much, and life is just happening easily now. It's taken some getting used to but I think I'm getting there bit by bit..!
But in more recent news I just asked a girl out and so -- now I have two girlfriends! My new partner is so perfect to be with me that all I could think was that the wait was worth it to find my second partner.
Being with her actually brings things out of me that I've been trying to get back and re-awaken, and all it took was just knowing her a little bit. The relationship just started, so I'm excited to get to know her more as well as how we are together. I'm hoping for great things.
I've been inspired this morning to start cleaning the house a bit, so I'm doing laundry. I did eat some coffee beans but we don't talk about how that's not normal. XDD
I'm listening to Siouxsie and the Banshees, chilling, and appreciating that my life is heading in some new positive directions it seems!!
Feb. 11th, 2022 11:50 am
SYSTEM REBOOT. New Human!
Everything that's happened has brought me here and here might be new.
Therapy? Kind of on hiatus.
Brain surgery? Complete. Total success.
I'm clear-headed and level. Able to decide things with a clarity I have never known.
Then there are more medical issues. I still have doctor's appointments. I'm finding out the condition of my body. I'm becoming a fucking adult about this. Things happen and sometimes those things are wrong but I can survive. I survived for 36 years without knowing that there was a cyst in my brain. Anything else I find out that takes even up to months or years to solve? I can go through it.
I'VE GOT THIS.
I've got a lot of debt to pay off but there are ways to take care of that.
For the most part by and large just having had this brain surgery has changed my entire life for the better, and I really don't have a desire to complain.
I don't know why I feel I have to stipulate that. There's not much reason to?
It's just that everything is so radically different. Inside of the last month and a half alone I've lived more than I ever have. I've made new friends. I'm getting involved in the goth community. I feel brave enough to put my trans pride sticker on the back of my car bumper and I'll do that in a bit.
I feel ready for everything that might come. I want to meditate more and increase my inner peace/do spiritual stuff unlike ever before. The church was something growing up, but now I know what I REALLY believe in.
The energy of the cosmos and life itself. The cycle of all. It's vague until the universe calls you and tells you what's up. Or until you call the universe and tell it you're ready to learn what's up. One or the other.
Everything has been brought to me and I've seen opposites and duality. My life has brought me to understand how to unify the opposition and multifaceted ways of thought.
My energy is the unifier of different schools of faith and brings together the truth that harmonizes throughout them because the truth is deeper than any angle thing.
I'm listening to 311. Evolver and From Chaos are the two albums I knew of and listened to as religiously as I read my bible because I wanted to understand people. I thought the best way to understand people is to listen to popular music and try to understand the minds of both the creator and the audience. The truth is that to understand people you first need to understand yourself.
When I first heard these albums I attached them to so much teenage angst and even kept listening to them again and again as I experienced worse things (so I could get through them). Those memories are all absolved and now I hear these albums as if they are being listened to for the first time.
It is POSSIBLE to have new experiences even about FAMILIAR things!
After all these years of fighting, I'm finally capable of what I imagined I was capable of. I shouldn't berate myself for supposed time lost. I was doing my best this entire time and now that I'm freed of the cyst I can do even better. I just have to return and try again. One more go.
LET'S. FUCKING. GO.
Therapy? Kind of on hiatus.
Brain surgery? Complete. Total success.
I'm clear-headed and level. Able to decide things with a clarity I have never known.
Then there are more medical issues. I still have doctor's appointments. I'm finding out the condition of my body. I'm becoming a fucking adult about this. Things happen and sometimes those things are wrong but I can survive. I survived for 36 years without knowing that there was a cyst in my brain. Anything else I find out that takes even up to months or years to solve? I can go through it.
I'VE GOT THIS.
I've got a lot of debt to pay off but there are ways to take care of that.
For the most part by and large just having had this brain surgery has changed my entire life for the better, and I really don't have a desire to complain.
I don't know why I feel I have to stipulate that. There's not much reason to?
It's just that everything is so radically different. Inside of the last month and a half alone I've lived more than I ever have. I've made new friends. I'm getting involved in the goth community. I feel brave enough to put my trans pride sticker on the back of my car bumper and I'll do that in a bit.
I feel ready for everything that might come. I want to meditate more and increase my inner peace/do spiritual stuff unlike ever before. The church was something growing up, but now I know what I REALLY believe in.
The energy of the cosmos and life itself. The cycle of all. It's vague until the universe calls you and tells you what's up. Or until you call the universe and tell it you're ready to learn what's up. One or the other.
Everything has been brought to me and I've seen opposites and duality. My life has brought me to understand how to unify the opposition and multifaceted ways of thought.
My energy is the unifier of different schools of faith and brings together the truth that harmonizes throughout them because the truth is deeper than any angle thing.
I'm listening to 311. Evolver and From Chaos are the two albums I knew of and listened to as religiously as I read my bible because I wanted to understand people. I thought the best way to understand people is to listen to popular music and try to understand the minds of both the creator and the audience. The truth is that to understand people you first need to understand yourself.
When I first heard these albums I attached them to so much teenage angst and even kept listening to them again and again as I experienced worse things (so I could get through them). Those memories are all absolved and now I hear these albums as if they are being listened to for the first time.
It is POSSIBLE to have new experiences even about FAMILIAR things!
After all these years of fighting, I'm finally capable of what I imagined I was capable of. I shouldn't berate myself for supposed time lost. I was doing my best this entire time and now that I'm freed of the cyst I can do even better. I just have to return and try again. One more go.
LET'S. FUCKING. GO.
Dec. 7th, 2021 06:41 pm
Positive Vibes Only
I'm renewing my commitment to getting healthy.
I started off this year trying out affirmations because I needed something in my life to change so I figured why not actually try this thing that has actually helped out other actual people in the world. So I did affirmations even when it was hard and especially because they were hard. The harder it was the more important it was I kept listening until I started to be able to feel the good at least a little bit.
It's time to renew that effort again. So as discussed in therapy today, I'm going to start again. The only way to feel better is to try to feel better. I can't just keep letting my feelings punch me in the gut and never do any positivity after. It shouldn't be surprising that I became so drained. I surrendered without surrendering...but no more of that!!
I'll do it again. Positive Affirmations, and actually believing in that better life that I want.
The message I keep getting again and again for the last few days to be in this now moment. Ok.
Okay!
I'll start being Now. But I'm not just going to let now happen. I've gotta be something. Actively choose to feel better and healthier. There's times for doing the work and processing emotions and then there's times to stop. And actually appreciate how fucking far I've come this year.
I actually believe in myself at least a lot more than I used to. I've come a long way and it's time to recognize that. I'm doing so good compared to the beginning of this year. Amazing work me! Keep going!!!
I started off this year trying out affirmations because I needed something in my life to change so I figured why not actually try this thing that has actually helped out other actual people in the world. So I did affirmations even when it was hard and especially because they were hard. The harder it was the more important it was I kept listening until I started to be able to feel the good at least a little bit.
It's time to renew that effort again. So as discussed in therapy today, I'm going to start again. The only way to feel better is to try to feel better. I can't just keep letting my feelings punch me in the gut and never do any positivity after. It shouldn't be surprising that I became so drained. I surrendered without surrendering...but no more of that!!
I'll do it again. Positive Affirmations, and actually believing in that better life that I want.
The message I keep getting again and again for the last few days to be in this now moment. Ok.
Okay!
I'll start being Now. But I'm not just going to let now happen. I've gotta be something. Actively choose to feel better and healthier. There's times for doing the work and processing emotions and then there's times to stop. And actually appreciate how fucking far I've come this year.
I actually believe in myself at least a lot more than I used to. I've come a long way and it's time to recognize that. I'm doing so good compared to the beginning of this year. Amazing work me! Keep going!!!
Tags:
Nov. 30th, 2021 09:53 am
(no subject)
So I'm supposed to be doing things that make me feel present in my now. I struggle so hard with getting to that. Honestly? I've been actively avoiding my life recently. I don't want to think, I don't want to feel.
I miss the middle of this year. When I was just starting this blog and I had a job that I didn't even like but I was blissfully ignorant of my problems, so long as I listened to some affirmations and danced my heart out to techno. I was cute every day and trying my damnedest to be fully alive despite some heavy crap.
Now I barely give a crap if I even put on a bra in the morning or the fact that my laundry is still un-done. Maybe that's what I should do but then again I don't want to.
I don't even want to move. I've gotten up a few times to get some food to eat but other than that in the last 3 hours I've been awake I've done nothing but scroll Facebook and not even react to things mostly. Just being mindless. Which is exactly what I should be doing the opposite of.
I need to be present and show up for my life, but I don't... like my life. Most of it anyway. There are some okay parts, but I've lost so much that it barely registers.
I feel like I can't trust myself. I can't trust my thoughts or my feelings... because how much of it all is being forced on me by this cyst? So I've been staying "blissful" by pretending everything away as long as possible and crying without knowing why when I need to.
This whole year I've been trying to pull myself back from an edge, but I keep getting pushed closer to it.
I found out one of my friends has cancer, and she's more worried about me because my stuff is in my brain (even though it's not cancer).
When my whole life has been prescribed by a bullshit view of the world how am I supposed to knowingly and bravely decide to interact with myself?
I had some dreams last night that made me feel pretty existential again. Although none of the symbology would indicate it. I've already forgotten most of the dreams, except for that the black widow bit me again.
I hate that I am using this blog solely as a vent when what I want more than anything is to be the brave and bright version of myself that I so rarely get to see. Because that me is bold beautiful strong capable and wise. And I miss her. *cue crying*
I miss the middle of this year. When I was just starting this blog and I had a job that I didn't even like but I was blissfully ignorant of my problems, so long as I listened to some affirmations and danced my heart out to techno. I was cute every day and trying my damnedest to be fully alive despite some heavy crap.
Now I barely give a crap if I even put on a bra in the morning or the fact that my laundry is still un-done. Maybe that's what I should do but then again I don't want to.
I don't even want to move. I've gotten up a few times to get some food to eat but other than that in the last 3 hours I've been awake I've done nothing but scroll Facebook and not even react to things mostly. Just being mindless. Which is exactly what I should be doing the opposite of.
I need to be present and show up for my life, but I don't... like my life. Most of it anyway. There are some okay parts, but I've lost so much that it barely registers.
I feel like I can't trust myself. I can't trust my thoughts or my feelings... because how much of it all is being forced on me by this cyst? So I've been staying "blissful" by pretending everything away as long as possible and crying without knowing why when I need to.
This whole year I've been trying to pull myself back from an edge, but I keep getting pushed closer to it.
I found out one of my friends has cancer, and she's more worried about me because my stuff is in my brain (even though it's not cancer).
When my whole life has been prescribed by a bullshit view of the world how am I supposed to knowingly and bravely decide to interact with myself?
I had some dreams last night that made me feel pretty existential again. Although none of the symbology would indicate it. I've already forgotten most of the dreams, except for that the black widow bit me again.
I hate that I am using this blog solely as a vent when what I want more than anything is to be the brave and bright version of myself that I so rarely get to see. Because that me is bold beautiful strong capable and wise. And I miss her. *cue crying*
Nov. 17th, 2021 05:42 pm
Dang it all
it's so frustrating. right before my head does the "PoP" I experience heightened anxiety to the point where i have to race around screaming and venting until the pressure builds and it pops and then I'm back to square one.
I'm somehow coping with this. I don't know how. but what I hate most about it is that I become increasingly frustrated even with people who are actively helping me, because none of the help makes the real problem go away, and the only thing that will is my surgery.
I'm sick of myself right now and all I want is to be in December and be in recovery.
I'm somehow coping with this. I don't know how. but what I hate most about it is that I become increasingly frustrated even with people who are actively helping me, because none of the help makes the real problem go away, and the only thing that will is my surgery.
I'm sick of myself right now and all I want is to be in December and be in recovery.
Nov. 17th, 2021 11:52 am
(no subject)
Life keeps getting stranger.
I went to the forest to try to get myself feeling somewhat alive again. It worked just a little bit.
Surgery will be on Dec 16th.
I'm doing a lot to try to be ready for this work-wise and it's just been exhausting, all emotions aside.
One cool thing happened, I actually managed to get to the top of the mountain in Celeste. Gamer!!
lol.. then there's so much to do in the game after that still. It's honestly my favorite game ever. I started playing it last year and my file only has 26 hours in it, but those 26 hours all changed my life.
When I was in the forest... there's this hollow tree stump I watched all year as life grew in it even though it's cut down. Today I realized that there were actual new branches that were part of the tree itself.
Even the dead can come back to life. Nothing stays lost. The forest wants to live. I do too.
I went to the forest to try to get myself feeling somewhat alive again. It worked just a little bit.
Surgery will be on Dec 16th.
I'm doing a lot to try to be ready for this work-wise and it's just been exhausting, all emotions aside.
One cool thing happened, I actually managed to get to the top of the mountain in Celeste. Gamer!!
lol.. then there's so much to do in the game after that still. It's honestly my favorite game ever. I started playing it last year and my file only has 26 hours in it, but those 26 hours all changed my life.
When I was in the forest... there's this hollow tree stump I watched all year as life grew in it even though it's cut down. Today I realized that there were actual new branches that were part of the tree itself.
Even the dead can come back to life. Nothing stays lost. The forest wants to live. I do too.
Itsjustmeagain.
I want to be a better blogger but when I was growing up I was grounded. Live journal and xanga and greatestjournal or any others were all beyond me. I was lucky I even found time to post my existentialist comments on MySpace.
There’s so much I want to do with my life. Precisely because of how little I’ve done with it.
There was always so much hope and dream in my heart.
It has to become something. Even if me becoming something means I just help others fulfill their own dreams.
I don’t care if I’m famous because that’s just superfluous. I want what I do to matter to everyone I’m doing it with, and for.
I want to be a better blogger but when I was growing up I was grounded. Live journal and xanga and greatestjournal or any others were all beyond me. I was lucky I even found time to post my existentialist comments on MySpace.
There’s so much I want to do with my life. Precisely because of how little I’ve done with it.
There was always so much hope and dream in my heart.
It has to become something. Even if me becoming something means I just help others fulfill their own dreams.
I don’t care if I’m famous because that’s just superfluous. I want what I do to matter to everyone I’m doing it with, and for.
Sep. 23rd, 2021 08:23 am
Don’t like to vent but I need to
Just . What to say? I’m sick of it is all.
My life randomly getting stopped in its tracks just because my brain won’t work— (thanks cyst) . And everything freezes. It’s like there’s no cogwheeels turning - it’s worse than brain fog because it’s permanent ..at least until I get this surgery please and thank you .
I just want to feel normal. I want it to be normal that I feel normal.
I want to live.
My life randomly getting stopped in its tracks just because my brain won’t work— (thanks cyst) . And everything freezes. It’s like there’s no cogwheeels turning - it’s worse than brain fog because it’s permanent ..at least until I get this surgery please and thank you .
I just want to feel normal. I want it to be normal that I feel normal.
I want to live.
Sep. 22nd, 2021 05:25 pm
What dies is reborn - Phoenix code
Ever feel like something is missing? I’ve felt that way for a long time now.
Sometimes I forget it’s missing.. the spark that makes me move. I learned how to fight on without it and now I just really want it back.
Is there a way left? Can I make it rekindle again?
There may be nothing left of the wood that used to burn. And I’ve flown so far away from the campsite.
I am the fire that needs no fuel.
Sometimes I forget it’s missing.. the spark that makes me move. I learned how to fight on without it and now I just really want it back.
Is there a way left? Can I make it rekindle again?
There may be nothing left of the wood that used to burn. And I’ve flown so far away from the campsite.
I am the fire that needs no fuel.
Sep. 21st, 2021 08:37 am
Fashionista
I finally realized I want to be a fashion designer.
I've got a lot of interests in my head, but out of everything the one that I'm determined to start on is learning how to sew. I got a book "How to Sew Your Own Wardrobe." I got some needles and thread and some practice fabric and I'm going to start trying my hand at some stitches. I may start practicing today.
There's a bit of a weird mood to go along with this because my dad apparently had some prophetic vision I will create a business because of this. I'm not sure how to feel about that. Some of the things he was saying are perfectly in line with what I think and feel. I can almost see the vision of me as a head of a fashion label.
Still, it feels like light-years away because I haven't even done a single stitch yet. So I have to start. I'll probably do it today.
If I think about it the signs have always been there. Least of all that my dad had this vision of me when I was barely 1 year old. It's like fate. ew. scary.
The concept of this fashion label's designs would be about being real. Really who you are. Letting your clothes speak volumes. Some lines would be feminine, some masculine, some a mix of both. I'd probably have to spend a good amount of time on creating the mixed ones because I'm OCD as hell, and I would want a perfect blend.
We always talk about how genderfluid/androgynous people need more options clothing-wise, Or at least I've seen it being a big topic. I've witnessed friends who are trying to express themselves as non-binary and having trouble with doing so.
I've seen people talk about being transmasculine but still wanting to wear a dress. Yet how do you just 'do' that without sacrificing your identity publicly? The great division that keeps people from expressing themselves... I want to erase it.
There are probably transfeminine people who still wish to wear some masc stuff once in a while too?
So the thing is... in my head... There ought to be designs of dresses that look bold and totally male. Patterns that accentuate masculinity on a dress or a skirt or a top.
Patterns that accentuate femininity on a pair of "male" cut pants or a t-shirt or a suit.
I want to create designs that could be worn by anyone regardless of their identity, and yet it still perfectly captures the essence of who we all are.
I want us all to be able to be real. (Of course, I'm still going to create things that aren't quite as conceptually abstract, but this is the "vision"...)
I've got a lot of interests in my head, but out of everything the one that I'm determined to start on is learning how to sew. I got a book "How to Sew Your Own Wardrobe." I got some needles and thread and some practice fabric and I'm going to start trying my hand at some stitches. I may start practicing today.
There's a bit of a weird mood to go along with this because my dad apparently had some prophetic vision I will create a business because of this. I'm not sure how to feel about that. Some of the things he was saying are perfectly in line with what I think and feel. I can almost see the vision of me as a head of a fashion label.
Still, it feels like light-years away because I haven't even done a single stitch yet. So I have to start. I'll probably do it today.
If I think about it the signs have always been there. Least of all that my dad had this vision of me when I was barely 1 year old. It's like fate. ew. scary.
The concept of this fashion label's designs would be about being real. Really who you are. Letting your clothes speak volumes. Some lines would be feminine, some masculine, some a mix of both. I'd probably have to spend a good amount of time on creating the mixed ones because I'm OCD as hell, and I would want a perfect blend.
We always talk about how genderfluid/androgynous people need more options clothing-wise, Or at least I've seen it being a big topic. I've witnessed friends who are trying to express themselves as non-binary and having trouble with doing so.
I've seen people talk about being transmasculine but still wanting to wear a dress. Yet how do you just 'do' that without sacrificing your identity publicly? The great division that keeps people from expressing themselves... I want to erase it.
There are probably transfeminine people who still wish to wear some masc stuff once in a while too?
So the thing is... in my head... There ought to be designs of dresses that look bold and totally male. Patterns that accentuate masculinity on a dress or a skirt or a top.
Patterns that accentuate femininity on a pair of "male" cut pants or a t-shirt or a suit.
I want to create designs that could be worn by anyone regardless of their identity, and yet it still perfectly captures the essence of who we all are.
I want us all to be able to be real. (Of course, I'm still going to create things that aren't quite as conceptually abstract, but this is the "vision"...)
