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Apr. 6th, 2021 07:39 am
Flying Dandelions by the end
Hello All,
I know I'm a new member, but I've been working on these ideas I have in my head for over 2 decades. Everyone who knows me best says I'm a great writer, but I've never done all that much with it. At least not that is public. Sure I used to have MySpace, and I'm constantly writing on my Facebook about this or that. For ages upon ages now all I was accomplishing was venting massively.
I'm shifting my dynamic, and I want to start that with this blog. Where should I really begin? With the inspiration. With the reality of what made this moment happen for me. Cold fact is, I found out something no one should, when I was twelve years old. The story doesn't matter anymore except told in a new light, and that's what I'm about to try to do. Yeah, I was a social outcast already at fourth grade, and yeah... I ended up becoming existential. I wasn't existential in the sense that I actually made it a study, but I was purely and legitimately questioning my own existence as a human being. "Why be alive?"
At first, it was my faith that kept me alive as a Christian at the time. I saw a post by someone on a forum earlier, I think from middle of last year. She was talking about nice people being nice and how they end up losing that. It doesn't make sense why we as good people who want to make life better slowly lose our hearts. I was a Christian back then and I wanted to prove to everyone that there was a way back from the darkness, and so I fell intentionally because I believed I would be able to save this girl from her pain by experiencing the same pain.
All I did was add to my own. So I say this for anyone who is kind and wishes to remain kind: Be kind, but not so much that you use up your whole heart. Don't make your kindness to others a replacement for kindness to yourself, because you deserve it too.
I used to be nice to everyone, but somewhere along the way I stopped. I forgot how to be nice to others, because the world tells you all sorts of things about itself and demands that you get on board with the program.
The conclusions that I have come to all agree on some points. (It's so hard to wrap twenty years into one conclusive decision so please bear with me and I hope what I mean to say is conveyed).
It's hard to separate my journey as transgender from the rest of my life. It rather just feels like an extension of what I already had. This transition is to me, truly a transition. The process by which I am moving from one way of life into another. The fact is that my life before transition never had made any sense and I couldn't explain why it didn't. Until I accidentally fell into the transgender community through Discord servers, because of an exploration into women's clothing.
It took me two years to fully come out to my own self before starting HRT and when I had to make my appointment a second time because of 2020 being 2020, I knew for sure. I was so nervous to actually even call about starting that I almost didn't do it, and then I almost didn't do it again. When I got off of the phone having made my appointment to get informed consent HRT, I felt the conviction of truth in me. I knew that this was right. I was nervous twice, and I made the phone call twice. My nerves didn't stop me.
A long time ago just before I started dating my girlfriend of 12 years (still together), I told myself I would find my wayward through life by doing whatever made my heart race. The scariest thing I can imagine is also the bravest thing I can imagine, because it's the way out of the way things are and also at the same time the way into a new way of being. I never thought I would get to go on a single date with a girl, but I did because I signed up to do the scary thing, and do it again. And Again. Until I finally had a life that made me happy.
My girlfriend even said she suspected I was trans from the very beginning but didn't want to suggest anything. She says on the subject, "I always knew you were...feminine.." and my best friends will all say the same thing. One of those friends is no longer with me, and I pray if she's alive that she's doing well, and if she isn't that she is living her best life in the beyond.
So. To the point finally. Or maybe this whole post is just an intro course to the point. Maybe I won't write it in one post but over many. This writing isn't perfect, but I am embracing that and allowing it to be what it is so that later on I can reference it and make this point with ever increasing clarity.
Tonight I was on a discord server, seeing commentary from people about the nature of existence. Loneliness. Loss of friends. Suddenly in that moment for me all of these things became symptoms of the same thing I've been trying to solve all of my life, but which I never was able to solve. I realized in this moment that I was trying to cure individuals of pain, and not doing anything about the source of the pain itself. I always used to say I wanted to save the world, and then it became a much smaller scale thing. I just wanted to save anyone, or someone, but I had no idea how to actually be involved in the bigger picture. I have been diagnosed with Asperger's in the past and sometimes it makes me hyper-focused on the details when those details don't truly matter to the story I'm trying to tell. I feel like every second of it is critical. Just like how I used to try to describe entire books to mom by re-telling the story verbally in my own words as I could recall it chapter by chapter. I was terrible with synopsis.
I experienced so much confusion on my path as I was misunderstood the entire way through, not least of all by my own self. I knew what I wanted to say but I was never able to say it. So this post might be all over the place. However!! This post is the beginning of a set of new promises to myself and to the world around me.
I will be kind again. I will have compassion and show it while leaving space for myself. I will believe in myself and what I am here to do. Instead of trying to fix people, I'll just be present with people.
Twenty years of hyper-fixation on the meaning of life, the quandary of society, and the subject of identity [on a more personal level] have all made me extremely knowledgeable about the ways out of so many existential dilemmas. I want to trust myself to be able to share what I know. To actually write the books I should write. I always wanted to be an author from the time I was about 5 years old reading Sherlock Holmes and wanting to be just like a detective. To find the answers hidden in plain sight all over the city. In every conversation. In every word. I have studied this world, and I have seen it. I have personally tried to be so many types of personalities just to fit in that I would never be able to recount or remember them all.
So for all of my case studies into the workings of self-identity, I finally figured out that being who you are is simple. When you're being your truest self, you don't have to think about it at all, because every word vibrates with the events you carry inside you. Our lives are more than just stories. They are us. Our journey is more than just a point a to b, it's a sheet of paper that someone decided to draw a map on, and everything on the map is inside there still. Within our bodies even as they may change. Within our minds even as the past begins to morph and be healed by our efforts to be okay with it all. I'm seeing in my vision a field of tall and vibrant green grass, all a foot high with that soft and gentle breeze rushing by that leaves a clear and crisp taste upon your skin as if your body can taste and smell the peace of the plains.
Dandelions are beautiful. And mis-understood. They call them weeds, but the dandelion doesn't care if anyone notices it's beauty and it spreads it's seeds by flying.
By being true to who we are, we will soar on an infinite sky.
I know I'm a new member, but I've been working on these ideas I have in my head for over 2 decades. Everyone who knows me best says I'm a great writer, but I've never done all that much with it. At least not that is public. Sure I used to have MySpace, and I'm constantly writing on my Facebook about this or that. For ages upon ages now all I was accomplishing was venting massively.
I'm shifting my dynamic, and I want to start that with this blog. Where should I really begin? With the inspiration. With the reality of what made this moment happen for me. Cold fact is, I found out something no one should, when I was twelve years old. The story doesn't matter anymore except told in a new light, and that's what I'm about to try to do. Yeah, I was a social outcast already at fourth grade, and yeah... I ended up becoming existential. I wasn't existential in the sense that I actually made it a study, but I was purely and legitimately questioning my own existence as a human being. "Why be alive?"
At first, it was my faith that kept me alive as a Christian at the time. I saw a post by someone on a forum earlier, I think from middle of last year. She was talking about nice people being nice and how they end up losing that. It doesn't make sense why we as good people who want to make life better slowly lose our hearts. I was a Christian back then and I wanted to prove to everyone that there was a way back from the darkness, and so I fell intentionally because I believed I would be able to save this girl from her pain by experiencing the same pain.
All I did was add to my own. So I say this for anyone who is kind and wishes to remain kind: Be kind, but not so much that you use up your whole heart. Don't make your kindness to others a replacement for kindness to yourself, because you deserve it too.
I used to be nice to everyone, but somewhere along the way I stopped. I forgot how to be nice to others, because the world tells you all sorts of things about itself and demands that you get on board with the program.
The conclusions that I have come to all agree on some points. (It's so hard to wrap twenty years into one conclusive decision so please bear with me and I hope what I mean to say is conveyed).
It's hard to separate my journey as transgender from the rest of my life. It rather just feels like an extension of what I already had. This transition is to me, truly a transition. The process by which I am moving from one way of life into another. The fact is that my life before transition never had made any sense and I couldn't explain why it didn't. Until I accidentally fell into the transgender community through Discord servers, because of an exploration into women's clothing.
It took me two years to fully come out to my own self before starting HRT and when I had to make my appointment a second time because of 2020 being 2020, I knew for sure. I was so nervous to actually even call about starting that I almost didn't do it, and then I almost didn't do it again. When I got off of the phone having made my appointment to get informed consent HRT, I felt the conviction of truth in me. I knew that this was right. I was nervous twice, and I made the phone call twice. My nerves didn't stop me.
A long time ago just before I started dating my girlfriend of 12 years (still together), I told myself I would find my wayward through life by doing whatever made my heart race. The scariest thing I can imagine is also the bravest thing I can imagine, because it's the way out of the way things are and also at the same time the way into a new way of being. I never thought I would get to go on a single date with a girl, but I did because I signed up to do the scary thing, and do it again. And Again. Until I finally had a life that made me happy.
My girlfriend even said she suspected I was trans from the very beginning but didn't want to suggest anything. She says on the subject, "I always knew you were...feminine.." and my best friends will all say the same thing. One of those friends is no longer with me, and I pray if she's alive that she's doing well, and if she isn't that she is living her best life in the beyond.
So. To the point finally. Or maybe this whole post is just an intro course to the point. Maybe I won't write it in one post but over many. This writing isn't perfect, but I am embracing that and allowing it to be what it is so that later on I can reference it and make this point with ever increasing clarity.
Tonight I was on a discord server, seeing commentary from people about the nature of existence. Loneliness. Loss of friends. Suddenly in that moment for me all of these things became symptoms of the same thing I've been trying to solve all of my life, but which I never was able to solve. I realized in this moment that I was trying to cure individuals of pain, and not doing anything about the source of the pain itself. I always used to say I wanted to save the world, and then it became a much smaller scale thing. I just wanted to save anyone, or someone, but I had no idea how to actually be involved in the bigger picture. I have been diagnosed with Asperger's in the past and sometimes it makes me hyper-focused on the details when those details don't truly matter to the story I'm trying to tell. I feel like every second of it is critical. Just like how I used to try to describe entire books to mom by re-telling the story verbally in my own words as I could recall it chapter by chapter. I was terrible with synopsis.
I experienced so much confusion on my path as I was misunderstood the entire way through, not least of all by my own self. I knew what I wanted to say but I was never able to say it. So this post might be all over the place. However!! This post is the beginning of a set of new promises to myself and to the world around me.
I will be kind again. I will have compassion and show it while leaving space for myself. I will believe in myself and what I am here to do. Instead of trying to fix people, I'll just be present with people.
Twenty years of hyper-fixation on the meaning of life, the quandary of society, and the subject of identity [on a more personal level] have all made me extremely knowledgeable about the ways out of so many existential dilemmas. I want to trust myself to be able to share what I know. To actually write the books I should write. I always wanted to be an author from the time I was about 5 years old reading Sherlock Holmes and wanting to be just like a detective. To find the answers hidden in plain sight all over the city. In every conversation. In every word. I have studied this world, and I have seen it. I have personally tried to be so many types of personalities just to fit in that I would never be able to recount or remember them all.
So for all of my case studies into the workings of self-identity, I finally figured out that being who you are is simple. When you're being your truest self, you don't have to think about it at all, because every word vibrates with the events you carry inside you. Our lives are more than just stories. They are us. Our journey is more than just a point a to b, it's a sheet of paper that someone decided to draw a map on, and everything on the map is inside there still. Within our bodies even as they may change. Within our minds even as the past begins to morph and be healed by our efforts to be okay with it all. I'm seeing in my vision a field of tall and vibrant green grass, all a foot high with that soft and gentle breeze rushing by that leaves a clear and crisp taste upon your skin as if your body can taste and smell the peace of the plains.
Dandelions are beautiful. And mis-understood. They call them weeds, but the dandelion doesn't care if anyone notices it's beauty and it spreads it's seeds by flying.
By being true to who we are, we will soar on an infinite sky.
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