Star Wars; and I wish they loved me too.

Last night I went full melt-down. What I learned while drunk and screaming into the water in the tub?

Well, after I screamed a few times my girlfriend woke up to come to rescue me.

I ended up talking about the time I got finally given this handheld game that I wanted back in like 1992. 91? 93?

This was a Star Wars game.

The game was, not really the story. The story is that I loved Star Wars and I wanted this game so much it hurt a little. Then later it hurt a lot.

I asked my dad could I have the game, and he said if I managed to stay good in school for an entire month with no punishments, I could get it. It wasn't even an expensive game, it was like $19.99 original retail IIRC.

Which sounds like a million dollars when you're 7 or 8 years old.

I kept trying to be good. I would manage to make it about 28 days, 29, 30, and finally get a mark on the board. One little line on a calendar. For who knows what reasons that didn't even make sense. Maybe the teacher was just irritated towards the end of the months and wanted to punish a kid or something. Who knows, but I know that I was a good kid. I never did that much wrong.. Nothing horrifying.. beyond just not turning my homework in on time and maybe getting a little fussy because I had to be stuck in a seat all day at school while everyone ignored me and socially isolated me and made fun of me every day.

But no big deal right? Totally. I mean. Grounding me for eternity was basically the correct option I'm just assuming. /sarcasm

I was finally given the video game for Christmas. All I could think when I had opened the present was why? Why..? Why now... after 6 months of trying to be good enough to "earn" this video game, I was given it freely without fulfilling the bargain to the letter of the law so, "why?!"

I was mixed emotions. I happy I'd been given the game, and destroyed because of all my efforts and confusion. I didn't know how to feel. I'd just wanted one mobile handheld game since second grade, and I fought for what amounted to years to even get up the nerve to ask for one. I believed in my heart of hearts that if I had a handheld game I would be popular. I would be one of the gang. I'd be a normal kid. I could have FRIENDS.

Because one time in second grade I saw someone showing everyone else in school on the playground how they had a Sonic the Hedgehog one, I think it was for Sonic 2. Anyways... I wanted to feel like that kid. I wanted people to notice me, and get excited about the game. Something to be social with them and be the center of attention. For everyone to light up because they saw me. I wanted that SO BAD.

It wasn't really the video game I wanted in the end, but .. l o v e..

My girlfriend told me last night, "You did deserve that video game..." and something changed.

Not sure what, but something.